16 April 2010

Toilet Etiquette 101.

I saw a post like this a few years ago and feel it’s about time it was brought up to date a bit, so here we go. 

There are some unwritten rules when it comes to being a man and going to the toilet in a public or a work place. This is where I will attempt to write what has been unwritten for so long.

When you enter the toilets depending on why you have entered will depend on your next action. If you have come into the toilets to do a standing up job you need to do the following.

Check how many urinals there are. If there are only three and all three are available on no circumstances do you use the middle one EVER, this is the height of bad manners and will force who ever visits the little boys room next to stand next to you or use a cubicle. The correct urinal etiquette is to always leave at least one urinals space between you and the next person. If you only have the middle urinal free or the only free urinal would mean you standing next to someone you have a choice of either waiting or leaving the toilet area all together until one of the urinal users has vacated the area. To do this the best method is to act like your checking your coat pocket, tut or make a "Doh" type sound to indicate you have forgotten something and leave the room.

If this is not an option and you have to use the only free pot, once you have assumed the position and you are doing what is needed to be done, you should cast your gaze either directly in front of you or look up towards the ceiling. Never look down or to either side of you, don’t talk to the person next to you and never ever look at or in the general direction of his man thing.

Remember the cardinal rule for urinals is that there should always be at least one free urinals space between you and the other user.

Cubicle use is slightly different as there is no chance you can see the user in the next cubicle.
Before we go into the does and don’ts of cubicle use I would like to talk quickly on the subject of "Glory Holes", if you don’t know what one is I suggest you google it as Im not going into the afore mentioned objects uses.
If you enter a cubicle that has a glory hole under no circumstances do you look through it, just don’t go there. If your cubicle has an unblocked glory hole you can either block it with toilet roll or other random things you might find or vacate the cubicle and locate another. If you choose to block the hole make sure the joining cubicle is not occupied first.

Right now that your cubicle is secure you can get started. First things first though, check for toilet roll. You got some? Good, then you should put at least 1 foot (five squares) of toilet roll into the toilet, this serves two functions.

  1. It stops any embarrassing splash noises you might create.

  2. It reduces the risk of getting a splash back.

Next put toilet roll on the seat, this is optional. Now that is done you can assume the sitting position and start.

If your sitting down task seems to be dragging on a bit or during your sitting down task you should release any bottom gasses you should consider a courtesy flush, this will dissipate some of the smell you might have made and frees up the toilet. Any unexpected release of bottom gasses can be followed by a manly comment or noise to show approval for the action. (Remember to replace your toilet roll).

While you are sitting in your cubicle it is advised that you remove any Ipods or MP3 players as in some areas tapping your feet in a public toilet cubicle is considered a sign that you are looking for some man on man fun.

Once you have finished with what ever you have done wash your hands and vacate the room. As a note it is ok to be stood next to another person while washing your hands and normal conversation about man related topics can resume. Remembering at all times not to look in the direction of the urinals. 

I have only covered the basic etiquettes of toilet use in this post, there is more advanced toilet behaviors that should be considered, I will attempt to cover these at a later date.

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